Friday, September 21, 2007

No we can't dance together, no we can't talk at all; Please take me along when you slide on down.

Any man who claims he would not try and fuck a 19 year old, doesn't know any 19 year olds. I however am in the business of young people, young girls, young pussy. All I know of life is what young girls have to offer. I am simultaneously sustained and saddened at this realization, and I will not be moved from the stake I have claimed. Mostly because I live a life unaware.

In fact I have never been good at recognizing that exact moment, you know the tipping point, when everything changes, after which nothing is ever the same. I've fallen victim to this blindness, often in my life and times. I've always been distracted, concerned with bigger and smaller things. Focused on any and everything else about a situation besides what's going on, that is until today.

Today, I saw my tipping point, and I watched myself cower away from a life less ordinary. There is one very special 19 year old scorpio in my life, and she is going to be the bomb one day, maybe. perhaps. She has a lot to overcome, and her friends and family will be of little help, her beauty transcends her surroundings and her attatchements. My greatest fear is that she, like so many other 19s I've known will be pregnant and hopeless, and stuck forever in the shortcomings of her gene pool.

But for now, I just enjoy being around her 1970s style Jane Kennedy good looks(as the title of this blog suggests she don't remember that queen of soul photo shoots) and her personality which by some small miracle of God is so pure and endearing that you fall in love with her provincial ignorance.(yeah, i know) I know I'm sounding a lot like Woody Allen in Manhattan right now, but more on that later. I just need to stop and capture that moment with her, waiting for the elevator on the top floor of the Denver Pavilions outdoor mall. There was a slight breeze, and as it played in her hair I gazed at her, realizing that beauty devoid of backstory is empty vessel at best, folly at worst. She had been the vessel for me in many ways, and she had outlived her usefulness to me, I like so many times before did not realize this at the time, until I did. Let me elaborate.

I am old enough to recognize unchecked attraction in women, finally. So when she came at me, and couldn't help but keep coming at me, I knew what this was about. I enjoyed, hell I even depended upon it, but only because of my bullshit, not because of anything real. There's an old saying that you're only as old as the person you're fucking, and I was hoping she would be my own personal fountain of youth. That didn't happen, this did:

It should no longer be a secret that I have a passion for dance movies. I love them, in my opinion the medium of film was created to record dancing, all that other special effects bullshit, is just that, bulshit. Hey 19 and I, decided to take in the new Omarion movie, because he's always dancing, and J.Lo was the producer of the flick so it should be full of dancing right? Wrong. No dancing, zero dancing. 90 minutes later we emerged from an afternoon matinee "safe date" to greet the bright blistering reality of what was really going on here.

I had tried to ignore it, even felt pretty good about it, but suddenly 2 teen aged boys would not let me spend another delusional moment thinking this had even a shot of working out. Make no mistake, I am not blaming the wolf, the wolf must kill and must eat, but even the wolf has regard for other predators. I'm losing you huh? Let me back up.....

There we were waiting innocently enough for the elevator, and I was thinking how much more beautiful she would look one day, when there was more rattling around in her head than who she should text next, when suddenly she was caught in the cross hairs of these two teenage wolves. Full disclosure, I could never pull off wolf, even as a teen, so I already had a heater. All of a sudden there was a new desire that didn't come from either one of us, it came from these two boys lapping at her 19 year old frame with their eyes, drooling uncontrollable thoughts about what they think they might do to her. It wasn't their regard for her, hell that's what teens are supposed to do, it was their disregard for me that totally fucked me up.

Pack hunters as they were, they exchanged a non verbal communication with their body language that I was of no concern, no sexual threat. I was the old male sea lion, with the best piece of real estate on the arctic beach. Yes, I'm attractive because of my status, and seniority but worthy of their respect? Their fear even? NO, definitely not. What's even crazier is that she sensed the moment too. She must have, because she did what any teenage girl would do, stare them down and wait for them to melt, flee, or crack her facade and expose her. It was amazing to watch her become self aware before my eyes, not that teenage self-aware, I dare say a more adult self-aware. It was a pair of epiphanies. I will entertain the fantasy that perhaps she realized that she needed to let go of her young girl ways, this is true and I might stand behind it, but she was loving being 19 at that moment, maybe for the last time.

As the boys shrank away from her glare, buying her poker face hook line and sinker, I thought about the rift between her world and mine, and how unlikely I was to ever make a dent in hers.(literally or figuratively, HA!) I had fancied myself a sort of sexual svengali, a familiar role for me to play but now I knew that whatever path she takes, she is outside my range of influence, and so my better sense has prevailed on the matter of the 19 year old.

I will not be the old man that chokes down his better sense in service of his dick, nope. I've already been that 20 year old, that 22 year old, that 25 year old, and against better advice that 27 year old, hell let's keep it real that 33 year old. Damn, at 36? Isn't about time to just call it?

It's so funny listening to her delineate her life's goals, making her mind up about certain things and plotting her life's choices. All the things she can't wait to "get out and start to do" I applaud her and I realize that that person has never ever been me. I have never made any plans for myself, and right now at least, I don't plan on it. (marinate on that for a sec....) I guess I need to get some dreams, because you know dreaming is free....I got that from the Omarion movie. Besides, you have to have a little faith in people.