She was the sheeit, back in '02. Now she defies human eyes, you kind of have to turn away from beauty so regal. Could it be that I was dumb enough to pick her out, diamond in the ruff, so many years ago only to throw her away on some fools' gold shit? would not be the first time, hell, I don't know why she or anyone else doesn't hold it against me. i guess i hold grudges so heavy, i just expect everyone else to follow suit, and i'm always surprised, no...shocked when the rest of the world doesn't get small, and bitter and petty, just like me.
so when we got back in touch, i was excited to see her, witness her growth and hopefully get in where i fit in. i mean, i entertained grandiose fantasies of sliding up behind her at a café's crowded coffee counter and slipping my arm around her waist to kiss her neck, just to let her know that i was oh so confident of the dickdown that i was going to put on her later. there was even one, where, we never even made it out on the date, we just fell into each other's arms half exhausted, half relieved that we had found each other again, and it was cool, so cool.
but, here's the rub, i'm not talking about the certified dime that i had dinner with last night. you probably already guessed that i am talking about my ex that i still can't fucking get over, get past, get around or plain get away from. (my man from maui said, give it at least a year, and ride the waves for what they are worth, and use this time to look at yourself, by yourself. and i'm doing that, but i am lonely, and my ego don't stop, so i am dating as a preemptive strike against an enemy force i can't even predict. i guess, i'm trying to put as much physical distance between me and her that i can, because the whole "let go" emotionally jazz? that shit still ain't working, and it's almost been a year, already. lately, i just think that this thing is turning into a big iraq-like snafu, where i can't let go of my feelings, or move on because i feel compelled to finish some job i started that it's not mine to complete nor was it ever. i know that's a 30 Rock level, political metaphor stretch, but i just feel so hopeless right now that it steals my breath when i sleep. gawd, i am fucked up. i got t.i.p.=thoughts, issues and problems.
but back to my date, and rather me realizing that these fantasies i was entertaining were not about her, in some weird mind flip, i had done the reverse of what so many men do: i had popped my ex-girlfriend into my fantasy about "new pussy." i told you i had fucking issues. so here i am sitting in a very crowded restaurant with the prettiest girl in the room, and all i can think is: "how come B.I.G. don't want me."
i'm fucking screwed up right now, and trying not to take others down in my descent, but it's hard, because some days, and most nights, i'm more lonely, than i am anything else.
so i soldier on, i don't even know where this energy is coming from, i just keep going, not in a daze, but a determined haze. i don't even know what i'm trying to complete. i think it's about finishing this year and not letting it finish me, but between sickness, bad luck, drama and plot arcs coming to their logical ends, i am feeling more and more undone even with less than 14 days left to go.
i love to hear my heroes talk about their reactions to terrible things, you know the whole, "it's not what happens to you, it's what you do about what happens to you" that whole shtick. yup, i am just trying right now, to make it to my chance to take some of the worst things that ever happened to me, and turn them into some of the best. but as we all know, i have a longstanding tradition of ducking greatness. i hope this time, i'm just too old, to dumb, or just too plain tired, to duck.
