but human tetris is better....
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Sign o' the times/mess wit yo' mind/hurry befo' it's too late/got to fall in love get married have a baby....
Life happens. One of the worse things about being me right now is every pat little bullshit cliché applies. You name it, it is what it is, things happen for a reason, and there it is. My life as cliché, welcome to it. One of my best friend's dad just died. He died on New Year's Eve. I don't know exactly what that means yet, but it means something to me beyond coincidence, given my tribulations and the number 9. I am investigating. And I am exhilerated to realize, that though this hits so close to home for me, I can be cool and I don't go there about losing my own dad, emotionally. I am really good about being really good when my peoples need it, and I am proud of that fact. It is time to discover me, for me. This year promises to be interesting to say the least, unlike this blog, which is more like maintenance than actual output. I will return soon, with another broken dispatch. Happy New Year to those of us who survived alive, and those that did not. unedited.
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
as she rises to her apology, everybody else would surely know....he's watching her go....
....and just like that, it was over for Styles at Isis High.
i have been begging for this moment, hunting it down, sniffing it out, waiting impatiently for it's arrival. and now it's here. my last girlfriend just completed the last thing that we needed to do to finally sever all ties. in typical new millenium style, that would be the transfer of all her data from my computer onto an external hard drive.
i cannot lie, with every fiber of me i wanted things to go differently today... last summer... last year. they did not and so here i am. or rather, there i was, sitting quietly with this woman that i used to know, a long time ago, last winter when we were together. i wanted today to be the shot at redemption that i'd hoped for, i wanted her to dash all those doubts that i had that she didn't care for me against the rocks, and if nothing else leave a little entré into something more, brighter, in the future. that didn't happen. instead, i got an awkward visit from a stranger, who seemed familiar only because i saw glimpses of it then and know even better now, that this is the person she always wanted to be. not my girl, not my partner, not my friend not my wife. i could barely look, at what was definitely not an apparition, she was there self actualized, quietly smoldering, warm to the touch of a new life without me. it was my greatest fear realized, and exactly what i needed.
but let me stop lying, gentle reader; i needed something else a little more, i needed that shot at redemption. that cinematic ending that i have never had, when against all odds, and when you least expect it, the impossible is possible. i needed her to come back to me, or rather, i needed to be the man that she came back to. it cuts me to the core that i am not that man, not for her, or for anyone that i have ever dated for that matter. but especially for her, that was all i wanted to be, for 3 years. somewhere between my bullshit and hers i was never able to find that, i only found the same me that i always am. i am the one you leave and you never look back, she definitely didn't look back, and made sure to close the door behind her.
and now? well, that moment that i was stuck in, i can finally see that it's gone now. and i am grateful, but oh this sadness, this deep mournful tug that i feel? that was not the expected outcome. so here i am, at the keyboard letting it wash all over me, there won't be any redemption, not the kind i had hoped for, only the realization that i am the same man that she left in april, for all intents and purposes, and she is something else. so i again, go back to learning: learning to forgive myself for the things i couldn't say, and didn't do, the wrong things i felt i had to do. i have to look these things in the face and be at peace with the person that i am. and to think i thought i already did that. oh no, sir, there are still many miles to go before i sleep.
i have been begging for this moment, hunting it down, sniffing it out, waiting impatiently for it's arrival. and now it's here. my last girlfriend just completed the last thing that we needed to do to finally sever all ties. in typical new millenium style, that would be the transfer of all her data from my computer onto an external hard drive.
i cannot lie, with every fiber of me i wanted things to go differently today... last summer... last year. they did not and so here i am. or rather, there i was, sitting quietly with this woman that i used to know, a long time ago, last winter when we were together. i wanted today to be the shot at redemption that i'd hoped for, i wanted her to dash all those doubts that i had that she didn't care for me against the rocks, and if nothing else leave a little entré into something more, brighter, in the future. that didn't happen. instead, i got an awkward visit from a stranger, who seemed familiar only because i saw glimpses of it then and know even better now, that this is the person she always wanted to be. not my girl, not my partner, not my friend not my wife. i could barely look, at what was definitely not an apparition, she was there self actualized, quietly smoldering, warm to the touch of a new life without me. it was my greatest fear realized, and exactly what i needed.
but let me stop lying, gentle reader; i needed something else a little more, i needed that shot at redemption. that cinematic ending that i have never had, when against all odds, and when you least expect it, the impossible is possible. i needed her to come back to me, or rather, i needed to be the man that she came back to. it cuts me to the core that i am not that man, not for her, or for anyone that i have ever dated for that matter. but especially for her, that was all i wanted to be, for 3 years. somewhere between my bullshit and hers i was never able to find that, i only found the same me that i always am. i am the one you leave and you never look back, she definitely didn't look back, and made sure to close the door behind her.
and now? well, that moment that i was stuck in, i can finally see that it's gone now. and i am grateful, but oh this sadness, this deep mournful tug that i feel? that was not the expected outcome. so here i am, at the keyboard letting it wash all over me, there won't be any redemption, not the kind i had hoped for, only the realization that i am the same man that she left in april, for all intents and purposes, and she is something else. so i again, go back to learning: learning to forgive myself for the things i couldn't say, and didn't do, the wrong things i felt i had to do. i have to look these things in the face and be at peace with the person that i am. and to think i thought i already did that. oh no, sir, there are still many miles to go before i sleep.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
And I don't need no hook for this hit/'cuz shawty right dere.....
She was the sheeit, back in '02. Now she defies human eyes, you kind of have to turn away from beauty so regal. Could it be that I was dumb enough to pick her out, diamond in the ruff, so many years ago only to throw her away on some fools' gold shit? would not be the first time, hell, I don't know why she or anyone else doesn't hold it against me. i guess i hold grudges so heavy, i just expect everyone else to follow suit, and i'm always surprised, no...shocked when the rest of the world doesn't get small, and bitter and petty, just like me.
so when we got back in touch, i was excited to see her, witness her growth and hopefully get in where i fit in. i mean, i entertained grandiose fantasies of sliding up behind her at a café's crowded coffee counter and slipping my arm around her waist to kiss her neck, just to let her know that i was oh so confident of the dickdown that i was going to put on her later. there was even one, where, we never even made it out on the date, we just fell into each other's arms half exhausted, half relieved that we had found each other again, and it was cool, so cool.
but, here's the rub, i'm not talking about the certified dime that i had dinner with last night. you probably already guessed that i am talking about my ex that i still can't fucking get over, get past, get around or plain get away from. (my man from maui said, give it at least a year, and ride the waves for what they are worth, and use this time to look at yourself, by yourself. and i'm doing that, but i am lonely, and my ego don't stop, so i am dating as a preemptive strike against an enemy force i can't even predict. i guess, i'm trying to put as much physical distance between me and her that i can, because the whole "let go" emotionally jazz? that shit still ain't working, and it's almost been a year, already. lately, i just think that this thing is turning into a big iraq-like snafu, where i can't let go of my feelings, or move on because i feel compelled to finish some job i started that it's not mine to complete nor was it ever. i know that's a 30 Rock level, political metaphor stretch, but i just feel so hopeless right now that it steals my breath when i sleep. gawd, i am fucked up. i got t.i.p.=thoughts, issues and problems.
but back to my date, and rather me realizing that these fantasies i was entertaining were not about her, in some weird mind flip, i had done the reverse of what so many men do: i had popped my ex-girlfriend into my fantasy about "new pussy." i told you i had fucking issues. so here i am sitting in a very crowded restaurant with the prettiest girl in the room, and all i can think is: "how come B.I.G. don't want me."
i'm fucking screwed up right now, and trying not to take others down in my descent, but it's hard, because some days, and most nights, i'm more lonely, than i am anything else.
so i soldier on, i don't even know where this energy is coming from, i just keep going, not in a daze, but a determined haze. i don't even know what i'm trying to complete. i think it's about finishing this year and not letting it finish me, but between sickness, bad luck, drama and plot arcs coming to their logical ends, i am feeling more and more undone even with less than 14 days left to go.
i love to hear my heroes talk about their reactions to terrible things, you know the whole, "it's not what happens to you, it's what you do about what happens to you" that whole shtick. yup, i am just trying right now, to make it to my chance to take some of the worst things that ever happened to me, and turn them into some of the best. but as we all know, i have a longstanding tradition of ducking greatness. i hope this time, i'm just too old, to dumb, or just too plain tired, to duck.
so when we got back in touch, i was excited to see her, witness her growth and hopefully get in where i fit in. i mean, i entertained grandiose fantasies of sliding up behind her at a café's crowded coffee counter and slipping my arm around her waist to kiss her neck, just to let her know that i was oh so confident of the dickdown that i was going to put on her later. there was even one, where, we never even made it out on the date, we just fell into each other's arms half exhausted, half relieved that we had found each other again, and it was cool, so cool.
but, here's the rub, i'm not talking about the certified dime that i had dinner with last night. you probably already guessed that i am talking about my ex that i still can't fucking get over, get past, get around or plain get away from. (my man from maui said, give it at least a year, and ride the waves for what they are worth, and use this time to look at yourself, by yourself. and i'm doing that, but i am lonely, and my ego don't stop, so i am dating as a preemptive strike against an enemy force i can't even predict. i guess, i'm trying to put as much physical distance between me and her that i can, because the whole "let go" emotionally jazz? that shit still ain't working, and it's almost been a year, already. lately, i just think that this thing is turning into a big iraq-like snafu, where i can't let go of my feelings, or move on because i feel compelled to finish some job i started that it's not mine to complete nor was it ever. i know that's a 30 Rock level, political metaphor stretch, but i just feel so hopeless right now that it steals my breath when i sleep. gawd, i am fucked up. i got t.i.p.=thoughts, issues and problems.
but back to my date, and rather me realizing that these fantasies i was entertaining were not about her, in some weird mind flip, i had done the reverse of what so many men do: i had popped my ex-girlfriend into my fantasy about "new pussy." i told you i had fucking issues. so here i am sitting in a very crowded restaurant with the prettiest girl in the room, and all i can think is: "how come B.I.G. don't want me."
i'm fucking screwed up right now, and trying not to take others down in my descent, but it's hard, because some days, and most nights, i'm more lonely, than i am anything else.
so i soldier on, i don't even know where this energy is coming from, i just keep going, not in a daze, but a determined haze. i don't even know what i'm trying to complete. i think it's about finishing this year and not letting it finish me, but between sickness, bad luck, drama and plot arcs coming to their logical ends, i am feeling more and more undone even with less than 14 days left to go.
i love to hear my heroes talk about their reactions to terrible things, you know the whole, "it's not what happens to you, it's what you do about what happens to you" that whole shtick. yup, i am just trying right now, to make it to my chance to take some of the worst things that ever happened to me, and turn them into some of the best. but as we all know, i have a longstanding tradition of ducking greatness. i hope this time, i'm just too old, to dumb, or just too plain tired, to duck.
Monday, December 17, 2007
redemption. a second shot.
cover me.
for a moment
or two.
this season
has grown short
making miracles minimal.
still Terra swells to her icy blessing
and d'evils d'escend
to dissolve our d'esideratum.
this season
has grown too short, to pay penance
still i wait for midnight sun to bathe my stigmata.
in the embrace of amity
she is still; sated.
sowing serendipity.
slowly reclaiming
her marks as my own.
but this season, this season
has grown, so short
providence promises naught.
my soul subsists in this
sackcloth cielo
awaiting aurora.
sentient eyes seek nocturnal sunshine
for only one season
and this season, grows short.
for a moment
or two.
this season
has grown short
making miracles minimal.
still Terra swells to her icy blessing
and d'evils d'escend
to dissolve our d'esideratum.
this season
has grown too short, to pay penance
still i wait for midnight sun to bathe my stigmata.
in the embrace of amity
she is still; sated.
sowing serendipity.
slowly reclaiming
her marks as my own.
but this season, this season
has grown, so short
providence promises naught.
my soul subsists in this
sackcloth cielo
awaiting aurora.
sentient eyes seek nocturnal sunshine
for only one season
and this season, grows short.
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